Seven years ago, I was not in a good place. I had a full-time office day job that had become toxic. I’d been with the company for several years, always with the explicit understanding that I could leave for auditions when they came up (which happened pretty infrequently.) That understanding was what make the job work for me. But in a matter of weeks, the economy crashed, I was given different responsibilities, a crazy new schedule, and a new boss, and was told I could no longer go to auditions, and if I didn’t like it, I could leave (a cruel touch, given that the job market had just collapsed.)
I remember sitting in my car after the last audition I was allowed to go on, sobbing inconsolably. I felt like I’d made a series of fatal decisions in a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and had hit a permanent dead end. I felt like I’d ruined my life, and there was no way to fix it. I plunged into a state of deep depression and anxiety that lasted for months and impacted every part of my life. Just thinking about it now, my heart starts pounding, and I can feel the familiar darkness creeping into my stomach. It was a bad, bad time.
It all came back to me this past week. I got into my car, and looked up to realize I was in the very same parking space as on that awful day. And then I realized that I’d just finished shooting the 10th episode of a recurring role on the very same show I’d read for at that ‘last’ audition.
I sat there for a good 10 minutes, crying happy tears this time, and sending a huge hug back to the me that sat there all those years before, thinking it was never going to get better. And as crazy as it sounds, I heard seven-years-ago me say, clear as day, “thank you for not giving up.”
With the benefit of precious hindsight, I can see that going through that horrible time made me stronger, by testing my commitment to being a working actor and showing me what I'm capable of. Because I went through that, I am able to face things like losing roles I desperately want, and know, no matter how much it hurts, that I will be ok.
This holiday, while you’re giving much-deserved thanks for your family, friends, and good fortune of all kinds, remember to save some gratitude for your obstacles, past and present. It’s easy to love the good things in our lives; but our challenges deserve love too. It may not seem so in the moment, but they are often seeds that grow into incredible gifts.
While we’re at it, thank YOU, Working Actor Wisdom readers, for being such smart, talented, courageous artists. You continue to challenge and inspire me, and I am endlessly grateful.