I worked on one of my target shows this week, and it presented a challenge I didn't see coming.
I arrived at basecamp and met several ADs, one of whom said, "I love your work." The response flew out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying... I said, "REALLY?!"
I managed not to smack myself in the forehead. Instead, I headed into my trailer and hopped on Facebook to write myself a little affirming note:
That was just the start of a day full of reminders that I have some work to do in the area of accepting compliments, and the comments in response to my Facebook post showed me I am not alone.
There are all kinds of sensible reasons why accepting compliments is a struggle for many of us:
- We don't want to seem conceited.
- We don't want to feel like we owe anyone anything.
- We struggle with self-esteem or owning our accomplishments.
- We are suspicious of others' motives.
- We were taught somewhere along the way that polite = self deprecating.
The problem is that our inability to accept compliments can have negative effects, both on ourselves and on others. It can make the person giving you the compliment feel hurt. A compliment is like a gift, and refusing to accept it is a rejection. It also denies you the pride and recognition you have earned. Those feelings are important, because we often need them to fuel us through times of doubt.
Also, as we grow and gain success in our lives, our sense of self and our place in the world needs to grow too. We often view ourselves through a lens warped by old, deeply ingrained insecurities and wounds. Compliments are a powerful tool in the path toward heal those wounds, and to begin to see ourselves from a kinder, more loving, and frankly more honest perspective.
So today, I'm making a commitment. I'm going to break my old, nasty habit of rejecting or undermining compliments, and replace it with a new habit of accepting compliments with grace. Easier said than done, of course. Replacing any bad habit with a healthy one requires a game plan. So I've done some research on what it will take. Starting today, I'm going to:
- Identify the specific ways I undermine or reject compliments. (I tend to question it, a la "REALLY?", deflect, as in, "it's all thanks to this great material," or do the bounce-back — "never mind me, YOU are amazing." Other common methods are arguing — "you're just being nice because xyz," insulting oneself — "I have to make up for my horrible voice somehow," ignoring — "What? I'm too hungry to process what you said," or flat out denying — "You're crazy. That was terrible.") Figuring out which you tend toward will help you recognize the impulse before you succumb to it.
- Spend some time thinking about what's behind my impulse to undermine compliments. I definitely tend to be suspicious of people's motives when they say something nice about me or my work. But when I bring some mindfulness to that suspicion, I realize the person doesn't stand to gain anything from me. That's just an excuse my mind is making up.
- Make a commitment to just saying "thank you." If you blurt something else out first (like "REALLY?!"), it's totally ok to follow up with, "What I meant to say was 'thank you.'" If you need to add a little padding at the end to make it feel more comfortable, that's ok too. You can try, "thank you, that's very kind," or "thank you, that means a lot," or "thank you, it was a pleasure." Your brain will probably be screaming at you to undermine yourself, because that's what happens when we take a step down the road of breaking an old habit. Go back to your strategies for dealing with the nasty voice in your head until s/he pipes down.
It's going to take practice. It won't be perfect right away. That's ok. Make the commitment each day. Set a reminder in your calendar. Write a note on your own Facebook (or Snapchat or Tumblr or wherever you crazy kids are these days.) Tell your friends you're working on accepting compliments and ask them to call you out if they hear you revert to rejection. Are you with me? Are you ready? Ok good.
I'll start.
I think you're awesome.