Image via Flickr by snigl3t
Recently, a career coaching client was explaining why she needs a new manager. She's a comedian -- she has serious comedy training, experience, and chops -- but her manager has been sending her on auditions, agent meetings, and photo sessions for models, because that's what he wants for her. I told her I agreed that she needs a new manager because the one she has isn't supporting her goals, but more importantly, I asked why she was going to meetings and auditions she didn't want to go to. She said she felt bad saying no.
We hear over and over again that until we're "names," we should take whatever auditions, jobs, representation, etc. we can get, and to some extent that's true. Early in your career, you may be willing to do things that don't interest you in exchange for credit, reel material, exposure, and/or experience. You may also feel pressured by people with more experience than you -- agents, managers, producers, casting directors, etc. -- to say yes to things you might otherwise stay away from. You also know, however, that at some point you're going to have to start saying "no" to people and things you don't want... And that's something most people aren't very comfortable doing. It takes practice.
The reason we need practice is that it's easy to screw up. We worry that if we do it wrong, we'll offend whomever we're saying no to. But the bigger concern is one we forget to worry about... That we'll do it in a self-sabotaging way, a way that sacrifices our own confidence in order to save the other person's feelings. We don't want to just say no, but we don't know what to say instead, so we blame it on ourselves in order to justify our decision in a way that won't hurt anyone. Besides ourselves, of course. Sound familiar? Yup.
The key to saying no is explaining why you're saying no. And in order to do that, you have to know why you're saying no. You have to be able to translate that icky feeling in your gut or that screaming NONONONO in your head into rational language. And before you communicate that language to someone else, you have to have a conversation with yourself in which you decide that your reasons are valid and worth standing up for.
I told my client that I agree she needs a new manager, but that until that happens, she's got the perfect opportunity to practice saying no. She got really excited... And kind of nervous. Because what does that mean, exactly? What are the right reasons to say no, and how do you say that in a way that the person you're saying no to will understand?
Those are the questions we'll answer next week.