Have you ever said yes to an audition that every cell in your body was telling you to turn down? Have you ever found yourself hoping not to book a particular job, because deep down it just felt wrong? Have you ever told an agent, manager, producer, or director that you thought something was a great idea when you would have given anything to say "DEAR GOD NO!"
Welcome to the club.
Last week, we dug into why saying no is hard to do in your career, and that it's one of those things we often don't realize requires attention and practice until it's too late. And once we decide to start practicing, we feel a little lost, because we can't tell when saying no is reasonable and when we're resisting something that might be good for us.
So let's clean that mess up. When is it ok to say no?
When it's about your goals
One of the biggest reasons to establish clear career goals is that they give you a context in which to make decisions. If you've built up some credits and decided it's time to stop doing small co-star roles, the day will come when you'll have to stand by that decision and tell your agent you're going to pass on a one-line audition. If you're focused on premium cable drama and an audition comes in for a goofy sitcom, you get told decide if you're willing to veer from your goal to try something that could take you in a completely different direction. Of course it's totally ok to jump on an opportunity that's way outside what you've been focusing on; but it's also ok to choose to stay on track.
When it's about your boundaries
I'm fascinated by how much difference there is in what actors are and are not comfortable with. Sex, violence, nudity, smoking, stunts, poop jokes... Everyone has their own threshold for what's too much. Peter Dinklage has talked about losing out on lucrative work because there were some projects he refused to do on principle. I've discovered that I'm fine with pretty dark stuff in drama, but am not ok with being the butt of mean jokes in comedy. It's smart to give some thought to where those boundaries are for you, but eventually you're bound to bump into a boundary you didn't know you had -- and that's ok.
When it's about your health
Sometimes, a role would require us to push ourselves so far that it's actually dangerous. It could be mental or physical; for example, a film about a sunken ship that would require you to spend lots of time in the water, but you can't swim, or a film in which your character loses a parent, when your dad passed away a few months ago. We've all heard the stories of how Actor A lost 40 pounds in a few short weeks to play a role, or how Actor Z filmed a graphically violent scene before coming to terms with the real violence in his or her past. We may find ourselves wishing we could be like those actors... But few of us are, and that's totally, completely fine. It may even be as simple as an audition coming in on the day you're scheduled to leave town. If an opportunity would be too taxing to your mind or body, saying no is a healthy, acceptable option.
Ok, that all sounds great... Until it's time to actually deliver the news. Suddenly you're sweating and shaking and questioning yourself and wondering if maybe you should just suck it up to avoid disappointing whomever it is.
Nope. Stand your ground. Explain your decision. "As we've discussed, I've decided not to do one line roles anymore, so I'm going to pass." Or, "I would really not be comfortable doing what the role requires." Or, "It's a great opportunity, but given what's going on in my life right now, it just wouldn't be healthy."
It's entirely possible that the person receiving that message will challenge you. They might ask you to reconsider; and you might be willing to read for that small role after all, if it means getting into a new casting office or in front of a favorite director. They might offer to negotiate and see if they can find a way for you to do whatever it is in a way that works for you. (That's why it's important to be honest and clear about your reasons for saying no in the first place.) They might get angry, or try to talk you out of it, and if that happens, you get to use that information to decide whether it's a professional relationship you want to continue.
But they also might respect your for it. They might value the chance to learn more about you and your goals. They might appreciate your honesty. They might even tell you they weren't going to say anything, but they think you're making the right decision. (All of those have happened to me.) And if they react well, you will have taken your working relationship to a new level of cooperation, understanding, and professionalism.
So think about how (or if) you've said no in the past and how you might do it differently in the future. Think about your goals and boundaries and how they may have changed over time. And share your thoughts in the comments -- I'd love to hear them!