Image via Flickr by Alex E. Proimos
I recently worked with a coaching client who was struggling with something. Several years ago, she was the first choice for a life-changing role. But the decision-makers did some Googling and found something she had done previously that had never aired, but was for a competitor. So they went with someone else. And that person is now a famous bazillionaire. And my client was having a really hard time getting over it.
Her frustration and disappointment anger about it were still affecting how she approached her career. She said things like, "what if that was my one shot at success, and I won't get another one?" and "what if that means I should just not hope or expect to book something that big?" It made her crazy that she'd done everything right, nailed the audition, brought her absolute best self into the room, and lost the role over something totally beyond her control. If that could happen, what was the point?
She'd asked for help over the years from a variety of people, but eventually stopped, because they would say things like, "you should feel lucky that you were in the running for such a great role", and "she's overexposed now, she'll never be able to do anything else", and "who knows, if it had been you, maybe it wouldn't have been so huge." All arguably reasonable things to say, but also totally unhelpful.
Here's the thing. You cannot be a successful actor without losing big parts. And losing big parts HURTS. You get good at bouncing back from not getting co-stars and guest stars, then you start testing for series regulars, and the agony starts all over again. Think about the actors who were the second choices for Breaking Bad or Friends. Think about all of the actors who say in their awards speeches that this role came just as they were about to leave the business because they couldn't take it anymore. That thick skin we're always hearing we need? This is why.
But it's also great news. Because it's proof that the idea that we get one shot at success is nonsense. Ask any successful actor if there's a role they desperately wanted and didn't get -- 100% of them will say yes (or give you an explanation that's a result of all the therapy they went through to get past it.) There is no such thing as being a working actor and not getting your heart broken once in a while. It's part of the job.
So here's what I said to her.
I'm sorry. That sucks. It sucks hard. I totally get why it's so painful. And you know what? CONGRATULATIONS. You've reached a working actor milestone. Know what else? It's going to happen again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And every time it happens, you will get a little better at coping with it. You are not alone. Everyone who has gotten to where you want to be has gone through it. You can do it too.
Being an actor will break your heart. There's no way around it. So bravo. Embrace it. And keep going.